Lady Sassalot:
I am going to cut to the chase. How is that some guys in their twenties still do not know how to kiss. I thought being done with High School meant being done with sloppy dog licking make-outs. But somehow they keep emerging. I am not talking about the kind of kissing that might just not be your style. I am talking about the very heinous breeds of tongue action that should be outlawed by the government.
1: The Marco Polo
This is the kisser who can’t seem to find your mouth. He’ll kiss your chin, the side of your mouth but someone his tongue doesn’t seem to end in your mouth. I figured being Italian, my mouth was a big target but some guys have proven that it’s hard to find.
2. The Tonsil Toucher
This kissing genius likes to dig for gold. He believes that the only way to satisfy you is to shove his tongue as far into your mouth as possible. Here’s a hint. When a girl says ” I want you in me.” She doesn’t mean her esophagus.
3. The Snake Tongue
This smoocher likes kisses like his kisses like a construction worker likes a jackhammer; as fast as possible. This guy’s tongue darts in an out of your mouth so far, you can’t keep up. It’s like being face slapped in the lips by a tongue. Sexy image right?
4. Dracula
Every girl likes a little nibble on the lip. Its sexy and rugged. But some men take it too far. My mouth is not your chew toy. A little blood on the lip might be sexy in True Blood but Monday in the office, it’s just awkward.
5. The Dentist
While we’re on the subject of teeth… here is a tidbit for all you kissers out there. If you’re in the moment and you the subtle “clink” noise of your teeth hitting your partners: Look at your life, look at your choices because you’re doing it… WRONG.
So my friends, now that I have passed onto you my lifetime of knowledge go out there kiss some bitches.
But please for the sake of chapped lips everywhere… kiss responsibly.
Hugs & Bitches,
LS
The Morning After 
I kissed a twenty three year old last year, two did all of these things, and more, and it was so terrible that when I got home at 3am, I woke up all my housemates to tell them about it. It turned out that he’d never even kissed anyone before. How is that even possible?!
OMG that is nuts! You’re poor lips. There’s only one word for a guy who has gone that long without a kiss… darwinism
Hahaha, it’s so true! I kissed a nineteen year old the other week as well, who’s apparently a player, but it was so bad. I know he’s still young so won’t have the technique down, but like, why?! I did swear to stop being such a cougar at that point…